Body like a shell

A terrible few days. After years and years of self abuse my body has just reached the end of the road. My kidneys hurt. My meds have caused constipation so now I'm on a laxative daily to enable me to use the loo.

Oddly enough, for someone with a long term eating disorder, I have never used laxatives, enemas or things like Ipecac to make me vomit or crap out the food.
I guess I am a purist! Either that or I'm of the if it ain't broke, don't fix it mentality. Plus I never had an issue with going to the loo, and all of those things cost money and need storing which in a shared house can be tricky!

So to be given this laxative now, it feels slightly like a behaviour or one which will encourage me to use it as a way of losing weight.

Plus the terrible pain in my back and feet and kidneys has been proscribed new painkillers, which are good for raising my mood. My depression has come back worse than ever, such low moods that If my housemate weren't around then I wouldn't cope. I have started drawing my feelings, as a form of art therapy to help get the feelings out and it is a help. But the depression is terrible. I feel like I want to hide when I'm at work. Just like I'm unsafe, like I need to hide somewhere warm and safe.
The moods are out of the blue, I cant see a trigger yet but they suck. I feel lost. I feel so tired and depressed that I just want to sink to the floor and die.

Today I got terrible pains from my painkillers, in my chest, because I didn't eat a proper sized lunch. I need to have a sandwich from now on, and see if that stops them. I thought I was going to faint at work, I was almost passing out.

The pains finally stopped after a couple of hours, I still feel crappy so I ate a big bacon sandwich when I got home. Just to get food into me and stop the terrible whirling in my head. I will eat dinner in a couple of hours.

I'm just so depressed and so tired and so sick right now that I cant remember a point when I wasn't in pain. I just want a end to this even if its death, I just don't care. I hate feeling so sad and sick and sore.