Wednesday, 23 June 2010

Body like a shell

A terrible few days. After years and years of self abuse my body has just reached the end of the road. My kidneys hurt. My meds have caused constipation so now I'm on a laxative daily to enable me to use the loo.

Oddly enough, for someone with a long term eating disorder, I have never used laxatives, enemas or things like Ipecac to make me vomit or crap out the food.
I guess I am a purist! Either that or I'm of the if it ain't broke, don't fix it mentality. Plus I never had an issue with going to the loo, and all of those things cost money and need storing which in a shared house can be tricky!

So to be given this laxative now, it feels slightly like a behaviour or one which will encourage me to use it as a way of losing weight.

Plus the terrible pain in my back and feet and kidneys has been proscribed new painkillers, which are good for raising my mood. My depression has come back worse than ever, such low moods that If my housemate weren't around then I wouldn't cope. I have started drawing my feelings, as a form of art therapy to help get the feelings out and it is a help. But the depression is terrible. I feel like I want to hide when I'm at work. Just like I'm unsafe, like I need to hide somewhere warm and safe.
The moods are out of the blue, I cant see a trigger yet but they suck. I feel lost. I feel so tired and depressed that I just want to sink to the floor and die.

Today I got terrible pains from my painkillers, in my chest, because I didn't eat a proper sized lunch. I need to have a sandwich from now on, and see if that stops them. I thought I was going to faint at work, I was almost passing out.

The pains finally stopped after a couple of hours, I still feel crappy so I ate a big bacon sandwich when I got home. Just to get food into me and stop the terrible whirling in my head. I will eat dinner in a couple of hours.

I'm just so depressed and so tired and so sick right now that I cant remember a point when I wasn't in pain. I just want a end to this even if its death, I just don't care. I hate feeling so sad and sick and sore.

Thursday, 17 June 2010

Roller coaster

Another exhausting day. I starved from breakfast- cereal, a protein bar and coffee was all I ate all day. Until I got home. When my house mate went out, I made dinner and ate so fast it barely registered. I lost control in a way.

But I didn't over eat. I didn't have two rolls, I didn't purge and I didn't go crazy.

I know starving doesn't work. But I'm so terrified that I will lose control and binge that right now, food is the enemy. Tomorrow I might try a sandwich at lunch time but I know its probably not going to be possible. Food is too hard.

I'm so tired. I just need rest all the time. And I was so bad tempered today. I was angry because I wasn't getting as much work done as normal and I felt like I had to. If I don't do well enough at work then I'm not a worthwhile person. I feel worthless unless I do well in as many areas as I can.

I feel like there is so much inside me right now, all this anger and hurt. And I don't know how to get it out. I cant voice it and I don't know what to say to people. I am going to try drawing it, because I loved art therapy when I was in treatment and I find drawing easier than talking.

Wednesday, 16 June 2010

Beat South Wales Care Event

Just back from Beat South Wales Care event. This basically consisted of a talk from a bereaved parent of an Anorexic about what care this girl had received (very little, the normal poor quality of care and understanding) and how to get the care needed before we too die, a talk from a dietitian which was mainly aimed at Anorexics and a talk from the lady responsible for organising the ED care and support within Wales. This last part was interesting as finally there are specialist units set up in South wales, as well as a plan or care which is being enforced for all sufferers, not just for children and adolescents.

The fact that they served cakes at this event made me smile rather a lot!
I had a bite of one then stopped because I felt like everyone in the room was judging me for eating. I certainly was judging myself for eating.

I am so mixed up. I feel so guilty. Guilty for eating, guilty if I restrict, guilty for not caring about myself which apparently makes it hard for others to care about me, guilty for trying to do nice thing for myself like buying some makeup for example. I try to look nice, have freshly washed hair and do my nails, my clothes are always clean and I try to look nice even though I always feel like a heffalump. I try so hard to be nice and kind and a good friend, a good housemate, a good daughter. And I feel like I fail at everything.

I feel so ugly I often look in the mirror and feel genuine despair because how will I ever afford to change my face? I feel fat and ugly and huge, I want to exercise but my bones are too brittle to use a gym and the pool is currently out of order (fire in the adjoining steam room). Plus I am so tired. No , not tired, exhausted. My body, my mind, I could sleep twelve hours a day and I still feel tired. I am fighting this illness and my own impulse to purge every moment of the day, as well as working a full time job where I fight for my standards of work to be high so I can keep my job. I want to be one of the best in my team, talked of as a good employee. So along with my job, my illness, and also doing regular real life stuff like shopping for food, laundry, cleaning, paying rent and things like that, I also try to see friends, have a social life and keep in touch with people.

And its too much. I'm so tired, sleep is a relief. Except that these days my nightmares are every night. But at least I don t have to handle food. Then I awake from a dream so deep and intense that I don't know if I am really awake, and have to go to work , put the mask on and fight another day until I get back home and can rest again. In between kicking my GP's ass so she will get me the help I desperately need before I give up, crumble and die.

Somethings got to give and its been my social life. I don't keep in contact with people as much as I should. I don't want to see people. I don't want to go out because I will have to drink or eat with others, make conversation, act normal and its so so so exhausting. Then the bad thoughts come back into my head and ruin any pleasant moment for me. I am isolating myself and I know it but I cant think of any other way to survive right now. I haven't got many options open to keep me safe.

I am so so so tired.

Tuesday, 1 June 2010

Fat is a feeling

I feel terrible. None of my clothes feel right. I feel fat in everything.

How do you explain to others that fat is a feeling? That it is an emotion? How do you tell them that you dont want to eat because you feel so huge that you judge yourself for eating? That just being out of bed, out of your house is a massive achievment since you think you are so ugly that you cant bare to have anyone see you.
That fat means disgust, hatred, anxiety, exhuastion, and a general desire to cut yourself because you deserve to be punished?
And nothing anyone says to you makes it better.