Anorexia and its thoughts are starting up in my head louder and louder. Its driving me to less and less food in the day. I feel better with less food. Then I had to ruin it with getting too much pizza for dinner. I ate without truly enjoying the food, feeling as though it would be snatched away from me at any moment.
Then I went out to swim. I had to burn off the calories. I tried to justify the food intake to myself by thinking that swimming would burn off all the calories. I tried putting a pair of jeans on over my swim suit to walk over and could barely fit in them- old jeans which have been loose on me since I got them. Now I struggle to do them up. I ran to the pool- ignoring the pain that started down my spine as the impact hit it. When I got there, there were lots of people, in the Jacuzzi area. I managed to swim strongly for half an hour then I began to get cold. My muscles felt as if they were becoming stone. And then a large group of men came in and got into the pool.
I just couldn't stay in there, so I got into the now empty jacuzzi. It was so lovely and warm and i tried to enjoy the simple pleasure of the warm soft water and the ease it brought to my aching bones. but all I could think was "I need to swim another hour to burn this off". I wanted to exercise More but my body just hurt and those men were there. then they came to get into the Jacuzzi. I almost ran into the changing room! I skipped drying my hair, i pulled my clothes on in the bathroom and left. There were a group of women changing in there. one had the most wonderful figure. petite and perfect.
i look at every woman that goes past me. i savour their figures. I'm not sexually attracted to them or to any women but i just love to look at them and imagine that I have their bodies and am thin and beautiful.
My new books arrived today. Three books on Eating disorders. One is the accompanying book to the documentary film "Thin". So many pictures of thin, tiny, sick women. And I'm jealous because I want to be thin like them. I want to feel my bones. I want to be thin. I know these women are so sick, as sick as me but I don't care. They are thin. At least they are dainty and small not fat and clumsy and repulsive.
I hate fat people. I find them repulsive. Its disgusting how people get that way and don't feel desperate to change. At least I still have a figure and a waist and definition.
No more food. Cereal, a tiny lunch, small dinner. maybe not even lunch. food is disgusting and the thinner is the winner. I have to slim down. I cant cope being this big. I feel trapped in my fat, sick, painful body.
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