A dark day. Feel utter food exhaustion. Want to eat and purge, want to purge full stop , I just want all food out of my body. I feel so huge. I feel so tired of the entire business. Just shattered.
Just feel weighted down, as if my soul has been trapped inside this heavy sick body that's wracked with pain and which cant exist without drugs to enable it to carry on. So so so tired.
I feel utterly fat. I am the heaviest I have ever been. I just want to cut off all the flesh that's trapping me. I feel so so so unattractive. The body dysmorphia- another disorder I have, and a common one with ED's- is raging through me like a fire. I see a fat ugly monster in every reflective surface. I never want to eat again. I feel as if I don't deserve to eat because I'm so fat and disgusting.
I haven't bothered to buy food for my lunches this week. I got some fruit and Muller rices and that's it. Cereal, Muller rice, dinner. Nothing more. Everything seems too much. Food seems too sad. Everything just seems too much.
Its as if, if I can forgo all food, I might be free of all the demons trapping me and stopping me from being like everyone else.
Thinking about my past, my childhood especially, is to think about a catalogue of abuse, neglect and misery. The bullying from other children at school, even at nursery, was the better bit.
Sexual abuse from a family member when I was a toddler- which the entire family suspected or knew about and took no steps to stop, a confusing and very troubled relationship with my mother who could be both physically and mentally abusive, a father who didn't assist me with this because he chose not to see this and a feeling that no matter what I did I could never please, never be loved or appreciated and never fit in.
Its still a box I cant fully open. I cant even try. I need a professional therapist to assist me. And I'm hoping I get a referral soon. Because I so badly want to not feel so terrible inside.
Sunday, 9 May 2010
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